A few funny jokes to start the new year

Here are a few funny jokes to start off the new year. Enjoy.

How Long is Yours?

I have one,
Your dad has one,
Your Mom uses your dads,
your aunt uses your uncles,
Indians have along one,
chinese have a short one,
Madonna doesnt have one,
Do you have one....how long is your one?
.
..
...

Sure you must be having a SURNAME!
What were you thinking.... ......???


Little Johny

Little Johnny can’t sleep and walks down the hall past the master bedroom
The door is ajar and the curious little Johnny looks inside.
Oh no he says, she took me to a psychiatrist for sucking my thumb



Lil Johnny..

A teacher in a mathematics lecture asks a 3rd std class," If there are 3 birds on a tree and u shoot one of them,how many birds would remain??
".Johnny,the nuaghtiest of the lot, shoots up his hand.
teacher: "ok johnny ,wats the answer?".
Johnny: "none,ma'am.
teacher: "how?"
Johnny:" after hearing the shot ,all the other birds will also fly away."
Teacher:"no johnny, the answer here is 2,but I like the way u r thinkin.
now johnny has a doubt.
Johhny: " teacher can i ask u a question?
Teacher: "sure"
johnny:" There are three ladies havin ice cream at the parlour. The first one is eatin it, the second is lickin it while the third one is sucking it. Can u tell which one of the ladies is married??"
Teacher is terribly embaressed, but she puts on a brave face and answers.
Teacher: "I....I......I guess the one which is suckin on the ice cream is married."
Johnny:" No ma'am, the one who has the wedding ring on her finger is married, BUT I LIKE THE WAY U R THINKIN." !!!!!

Little Johnny..
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first.
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God."
The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy raises his hand. He says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love." "Very good," said the teacher.
The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no," she thought, "I'm not gonna like this "Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?"
Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet."
The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first.
He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming!', but fortunately Dad was on top of her holding her down."


Hillbilly

Never Choke in a restaurant in the South
Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.
His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'



Man and A Monkey Go Into a Bar

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them.
Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls.
To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, 'Did you see what your monkey just did?'
'No, what?' replied the man.
'He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!'
'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied the guy, 'he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff.'
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. 'Did you see what your monkey did now?'
'No, what?' replied the man.
'Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!' said the bartender.
'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied the guy.
'Since he popped that cue ball, he measures everything first!'