A few funny Christmas jokes & stuff

I got these in an email today.  I found them funny, so I figured I'd share.  Enjoy.  :)

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day……………

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the rum. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

 

 

 

 

Rusty Chevrolet

'Jingle Bells'

DASHING THROUGH THE SNOW 
IN MY RUSTY CHEVROLET
DOWN THE ROAD I GO 
SLIDING ALL THE WAY
I NEED NEW PISTON RINGS
I NEED SOME NEW SNOW TIRES
MY CAR IS HELD TOGETHER
BY A PIECE OF CHICKEN WIRE

CHORUS:
RUST AND SMOKE THE HEATER'S BROKE
THE DOOR JUST BLEW AWAY
I LIGHT A MATCH TO SEE THE DASH
AND THEN I START TO PRAY
THE FRAME IS BENT THE MUFFLER WENT
THE RADIO IT'S OK
OH WHAT FUN IT IS TO DRIVE
THIS RUSTY CHEVROLET

I WENT TO THE IGA
TO GET SOME CHRISTMAS CHEER
I JUST PASSED UP MY LEFT FRONT TIRE
AND ITS GETTING HARD TO STEER
SKIDDING DOWN THE HIGHWAY
RIGHT PAST THE NEGAUNEE COPS
I HAD TO DRAG MY SWAMPERS
TO GET THE CAR TO STOP

(REPEAT CHORUS)

BOUNCING THROUGH THE SNOWDRIFTS
IN A BIG BLUE CLOUD OF SMOKE
PEOPLE LAUGH AS I DRIVE BY
I WONDER WHAT'S THE JOKE
I GOT TO GET TO SHOPKO
TO PICK UP THE LAYAWAY
CAUSE SANTA CLAUS IS COMING SOON
IN HIS BIG OLD RUSTY SLEIGH

(REPEAT CHORUS)

 

And here is Chance's Christmas pic that I did.